Guidelines to Living in Amestris
by The Unwritten Fellowship
Summary: Featuring the cast of Full Metal Alchemist (Brotherhood, of course!). Rules you should - or not - follow when living in Amestris. Signed, Ariana Oswald and Rosalie Tyler.
1. Page I - Ariana

Rule #1

Making short-jokes around Ed is not allowed

(Seriously, do people not learn?)

(And by people I mean me)

(And Winry)

oOo

Rule #2

Making puns about Ed's auto-mail is not allowed

(Hey, Ed? I like the new coat.")

("What? Oh, thanks.")

("I bet it cost...an arm and a leg.")

(Badum-tss)

oOo

Rule #3

Mustang is not the human torch; do not refer to him as such

(He can't even fly)

(And he didn't like the Fantastic Four)

(I'd set him on fire if I could)

oOo

Rule #4

Telling people that Tucker is into bestiality is not allowed

(Even if he did transmute his wife into a Chimera)

(Nina asks questions that are wayyyy too awkward to answer)

(I have to say though)

(Clearly the missus wasn't doing her job right)

oOo

Rule #5

Ed is a human. He is not a lost Hobbit on his way to Isengard.

(He now hates that song)

(Mission accomplished)

oOo

Rule #6

Walking around and greeting military personnel with a "Heil!" is not allowed

(Because then you have to explain Hitler)

(And Nazis)

(And how Amestris is basically anime Germany)

oOo

Rule #7

Telling Ed that someone already found a Philosopher's Stone and destroyed it isn't allowed

(Not my fault they don't have Harry Potter here)

(Ed didn't take it so well)

oOo

Rule #8

Mustang is a male adult human. He is neither a fancy car or a wild horse

(No matter what he tells himself)

oOo

Rule #9

When Ed puts his hands together to transmute, he is not focusing his ninja chakra

(It did make me wonder though)

(If he and Naruto were in a battle)

(Who'd win?)

oOo

Rule #10

Following Rule #9, Ling and Lan Fan are not ninjas either. They just have too much free time on their hands.

(And one effed up king to please)

(Fighting to the death to please their dad?)

(And I thought Ed had daddy issues)


	2. Page II - Rosalie

Rule #11

Do not ask Hughes to show you pictures of his daughter

(Even though she is really adorable, Hughes doesn't shut up)

"Hey Rosalie! Want to see more pictures of my sweet Elicia?"

"Sure Hughes!"

(Someone save me!)

oOo

Rule #12

Mustang is not to be used as a human barbecue pit.

(To be fair, he wasn't against the idea)

(Riza was not amused)

oOo

Rule #13

Painting Scar's scar red is not allowed

(I mean seriously, he scared the crap out of me when he suddenly woke up)

(To be fair, Ed put me up to it.)

(Damn midget)

oOo

Rule #14

Do not tell Envy he is a Drag Queen

(Again, Ed put me up to it)

(Envy got his revenge)

(Now Mustang won't stop laughing at me)

oOo

Rule #15

Do not leave a list of State Alchemist names and where they live lying around

(That information is strictly classified)

(Remember what happened when Neville left a list of passwords lying around?)

(Scar would make use of that)

(I blamed Ed for it)

oOo

Rule #16

Suggesting to Mustang that they change the female uniform to mini skirts is not allowed

(The man is truly a pervert)

(Though I have to say, I look good in a mini skirt)

(I think I nearly gave Scar a heart attack when I showed him)

oOo

Rule #17

Scar is not Sasuke Uchiha

(Even though he does have red eyes...)

(And is hellbent on avenging his people...)

oOo

Rule #18

In accordance with rule #17 , do not offer yourself to Scar as a means to help him rebuild his family and people.

(Surprisingly, he looked like he was considering it)

(Then again it's hard to tell with him)

oOo

Rule #19

Scar is not Grumpy Cat

(No matter how much he does resemble the cat)

oOo

Rule #20

Do not abduct Mustang's subordinates for a Wonderland themed tea party.

(To be fair, they didn't seem to mind it all that much.)

(Even Riza went with it.)

(Elicia made an adorable Alice!)

(I'm sure we're going to see loads of pictures from Hughes)


	3. Page III - Ariana

Rule #21

Teaching Armstrong the song 'Macho Macho Man' is explicitly **FORBIDDEN**.

(The man will not shut up)

(And then randomly strips)

(He had to do it at a peace-conference as well...)

(The military is still being laughed at)

Rule #22

Do not play keep-away with Al's head

(Or Ed's automail limbs)

(If he broke them)

(Again)

Rule #23

Telling people that Ed has an automail penis isn't allowed.

(Offering yourself or Winry to confirm it is also not allowed)

(Though it was hilarious to see Ed's face)

Rule #24

Do not yell out " **FIRE-STYLE-NO-JUTSU** " when Mustang uses his flame alchemy.

(It distracts him)

(And shit burns that's not supposed to burn)

(Mustang needs to work on his Jutsu)

Rule #25

Your mom jokes are not to be repeated around the following people: Nina, Ed, Al, Winry.

(Envy learned that the hard way)

Rule #26

Lust is not a 'lady of the night'.

(She's just a misunderstood, big-boobed woman)

(Who kills people)

(She's basically a girly Jack the Ripper)

Rule #27

I will not raise a Philosopher's Stone above my head and announce that I have found 20 rupees.

(No-one will understand)

(These people need Legend of Zelda in their lives)

Rule #28

Sticking things to Al with a magnet isn't allowed

(He's not a fridge)

Rule #29

Telling Ed that he is basically Napoleon reincarnate isn't recommended

(He was confused until I explained about the short-person complex)

(Then he was pissed)

(I'm still laughing)

Rule #30

Winry does not know how to build Autobots; stop asking her to build one.

(I wish she did)

(I want my own Optimus!)


	4. Page IV - Rosalie

Rule #31

Don't prank call Mustang while he's at work.

(He really doesn't appreciate it)

(Funny as it is)

(I blamed Ed for it)

(Mustang believed it)

oOo

Rule #32

Do not take Mustang to a horse show and point out a horse and say it's him

(It's really not nice)

(Mustang didn't like it)

(Ed thought it was hilarious)

oOo

Rule #33

Under **NO CIRCUMSTANCES** show **ANY** of the military or other groups fanfiction.

(Therapy)

oOo

Rule #34

In accordance with rule #33 Don't **EVER** show them **YAOI** anything about them.

(Mass therapy)

(Ed and Roy can't even look at each other anymore)

oOo

Rule #35

Do not give Nina, Elicia or May sugar and caffeine

(It took us all day to catch them.)

(For a little kid, Elicia sure does run fast)

oOo

Rule #36

Do not try and take pictures of Scar shirtless

(I tried, I really did.)

(His hotness proved to be too much)

(*Swoon*)

oOo

Rule #37

Don't introduce anyone to 'shipping'

(Hughes won't shut up)

(He won't stop shipping Roy and Riza)

(Then again we all ship Roy and Riza)

oOo

Rule #38

Don't eat food in front of Al

(It makes him sad)

(He cheered up when I promised to cook for him when he got his body back)

oOo

Rule #39

Do not give Ed milk for his birthday

(He doesn't appreciate it)

"You're never going to grow if you don't drink your milk, Ed."

"Why you-!"

oOo

Rule #40

The State Alchemist watches are **NOT** to be used for hypnotism

(To be fair, it worked on Ed)

(Best idea ever!)


	5. Page V - Ariana

Rule #41

In accordance with rule #28 , **NO** magnets when around Al.

(I had a bunch in my pocket)

(I can't remember why)

(But I got stuck)

(That was a fun few hours)

oOo

Rule #42

Don't talk like a pirate in front of Bradley

(It's disrespectful)

(And he may get annoyed)

(And no-one can outrun him)

oOo

Rule #43

Don't randomly jump off buildings

(It's kind of self-explanatory)

oOo

Rule #44

In accordance with rule #43 , don't dramatically announce that nothing in life is worth living anymore **BEFORE** jumping off a building

(The Elrics made me go to therapy)

(Not cool)

oOo

Rule #45

Al is not to be used as a snowboard

(I was feeling lazy)

(And Al wanted to go snowboarding as well)

(Two birds, one stone)

(Ed has wayyy too many issues)

oOo

Rule #46

Don't make Pottermore accounts for everyone

(Though it was fun to see who got sorted into which house)

oOo

Rule #47

Don't put Autobot symbols on Ed's automail or Al's armour

(Or swap it to Decepticon ones when Ed is being a little shit)

(Which is 90% of the time)

oOo

Rule #48

Don't tell Father that there is a more traditional way to have kids

(And then proceed to set him up on a dating website)

(That...)

(Wow)

oOo

Rule #49

Lan Fan is not a lesbian and Ling is not a girl

(Just...trust me on this one)

oOo

Rule #50

Do not use any feminine wiles to get Captain Buccaneer to do your chores

(Because we all know he will)

(He's a sucker for the girls)

(What can I say?)

(I didn't want to do my Briggs chores)


	6. Page VI - Rosalie

Rule #51

In accordance with rule #39 , don't leave milk bottles around wherever Ed is staying

(He threw them out)

(What a waste)

(I replaced them with fresh bottles while he was out)

(Now he's convinced the milk is haunting him)

oOo

Rule #52

 **DO NOT EVER TAKE WINRY'S WRENCH!**

(Ed wasn't kidding when he said she turned into a demon)

(Winry is super scary)

oOo

Rule #53

Do not sing _Be Prepared_ whenever Mustang is talking about becoming Fu hr er

(Honestly Roy kinda likes it)

(Riza wasn't amused)

(Havoc thought it was hilarious)

oOo

Rule #54

Scar is not a lion

(Even if his name is Scar and he has a scar)

(He wasn't amused when I explained it to him)

oOo

Rule #55

Do not tell Olivier she needs to wear a dress

(Do you have a death wish?)

oOo

Rule #56

Mustang is not allowed access to mistletoe under any circumstance

(He turns into a raging raging pervert when he's drunk and has access to mistletoe at the Christmas party)

(Riza had to knock him out)

oOo

Rule #57

Do not hide fireworks near Mustang when he's using his alchemy

(Spooked the hell out of Central Command)

oOo

Rule #58

In accordance to rule #57, do not set fireworks off in any of the command buildings

(The chaos was glorious)

oOo

Rule #59

Do not sing _Let It Snow_ while at Briggs

(They don't appreciate it)

(It gets old fast)

(To be fair, Buccaneer really liked it)

oOo

Rule #60

Do not sing _Let It Go_ while at Briggs either

(Olivier says it's making a mockery of Briggs to Drachma)

(Buccaneer really seemed to like it.)

(I know what to get him for Christmas now)


	7. Page VII - Ariana

Rule #61

Never to be repeated: We are going streaking

oOo

Rule #62

Don't send fake love letters to Lan Fan from Ling

(That girl will knife you)

oOo

Rule #63

Don't give me a permanent marker

(I draw on shit)

(I'm pretty sure this was in another set of rules)

(But I feel it needs to be repeated)

(Because people never learn)

(And I never tell them)

oOo

Rule #64

Don't go up to people and ask "How was the sex?"

(It leads to awkward situations)

oOo

Rule #65

No more random trips

(This rule is just for me!)

(I kept on going off on my own and not tell anyone)

(So imagine my surprise when Bradley has a country-wide announcement that I've been kidnapped)

(With him and Ed being the concerned parties)

("She's such a good girl, there's no way she'd just up and leave without a word.")

oOo

Rule #66

No more strip poker nights

(Because there is usually a ton of alcohol involved)

(And I'm not allowed drink yet)

(Curse my young age!)

oOo

Rule #67

Truth or Dare has been banned

(Well it's mostly Dare at this point)

(No one picks Truth any more)

(Truth isn't 'manly' enough)

(And Ed, Al and Izumi have issues with the Truth)

oOo

Rule #68

Running through a meeting and throwing tampons everywhere isn't allowed

(Al got one stuck in the eye socket of his helmet)

(And then asked what it was for)

(If that boy could blush, he'd be scarlet)

oOo

Rule #69

Quoting Pirates of the Caribbean is not allowed anymore

"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?" (Al. Suffice to say, we did not understand)

"My tremendous intuitive sense of the female creature informs me that you are in trouble." (Ed. I sucker-punched him for that one)

"Close your eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream. That's how I get by." (Ling)

"Did everyone see that? Because I will not be doing it again." (Mustang. Drunk. Mustang. OMFG what a night)

"Well done, mates. I knew you had it in you. Now, come back in eight minutes and we'll do it all over again, eh?" (Me)

oOo

Rule #70

Don't throw glitter at Ed and then tell him he is now Edward Cullen

(Ick)

(Just...Ick)


	8. Page VIII - Rosalie

Rule #71

Do not imply that Al is the Tin Woodsman

(It makes him sad)

oOo

Rule #72

While at Briggs, don't stick your tongue to any metal surface that has been exposed to the winter air

(You'd have to be a complete idiot to do that)

(I dared Ed to do it)

(He totally did it)

(He wasn't happy)

(For a genius, he sure is stupid sometimes)

oOo

Rule #73

In accordance to Rule #72 , don't stick your tongue on Buccaneer's automail after he's been outside.

(Again, complete idiot)

oOo

Rule #74

Don't ask Buccaneer if his automail is compensating for something.

(Say it with me now: Complete Idiot)

oOo

Rule #75

Don't ask Miles if he's into S&M

(I'm not sure why I asked this)

(I may or may not have been drunk at the time)

(Still, Miles blushed really red, which is a surprise all things considering)

oOo

Rule #76

In accordance to rule #75 , don't ask Miles if Olivier tops.

(He went bright red again)

(Olivier wasn't happy)

(Though she said she'd never be on the bottom)

oOo

Rule #77

Spin the bottle is banned

(Too bad really)

(It was hilarious)

(Til Ed landed on Mustang)

(Shit got awkward)

oOo

Rule #78

Twister is also banned.

(Again, shit got awkward)

(It took us a few hours to untangle everyone)

(Scar is surprisingly flexible)

(I'm going to have to remember that)

oOo

Rule #79

Do not go streaking through the snow at Briggs

( **SERIOUSLY** bad idea)

(Lucky I didn't get frostbite)

(I couldn't feel any part of my body for the rest of the day)

oOo

Rule #80

Don't explain to Ed how a female menstruation cycle works

(It was funny though)

(I think Ed created a whole new shade of red)

(Now he's scared of women when they get mad)

(As he should be)

(Though he did make the mistake of asking Winry if she was on her period)

(The doctors say he'll wake up out of the coma soon)


	9. Page IX - Ariana

Rule #81

Following rule #70 , do not then proceed to set Ed on fire

(My hatred of Twilight vampires only increases)

oOo

Rule #82

Saying the following in the middle of a battle is not allowed

"Do not panic. First, we'll find out what it is and **THEN** we'll panic"

" **FUCK! I THINK I SHOT MYSELF!** "

" **SOMEONE GRAB A CHILD SO WE MAY SACRIFICE IT!** "

(People grabbed Ed for that one...)

(Whoops)

oOo

Rule #83

Calling Bradley 'Mad-Eye' isn't allowed

(Unless he says yeah)

(In which case, go ahead)

oOo

Rule #84

Don't ask "Why" to everything.

"Ariana, can you please not punch my son?"

"Why?"

"Because it's not nice."

"Why?"

"Because that is not how young ladies behave."

"...why?"

(Poor Hohenheim)

oOo

Rule #85

Horror movie night is dead. **Never ** revive it.

oOo

Rule #86

Quoting Shakespeare has been banned

(Mostly for me)

(And I never pick the right moment according to Ed)

(Psh, he just wishes he knew Shakespeare)

(All the world's a stage shorty )

oOo

Rule #87

The phrase "challenge accepted" isn't to be used around Hohenheim.

"So Miss Oswald, you're never to do human transmutation."

"Challenge accepted."

(Next thing I knew, I'm in an interrogation room)

(People here need to learn when I'm joking dammit!)

oOo

Rule #88

Don't call Riza 'birdy'

(Not appreciated)

(She used me for target practice)

oOo

Rule #89

Air guitar isn't to be done in public

(Or ever)

(That means **STOP** , Envy)

oOo

Rule #90

Don't try Ed's cooking

(He still hasn't progressed past 'Stewed Boot')


	10. Page X - Rosalie

Rule #91

In accordance with rule #70 the higher ups, Father and the Sins are not the Volturi

(Just no)

(That is all)

oOo

Rule #92

Asking Olivier if she wants to build a snowman by knocking on her door during a meeting is not advised.

(You'd have to be some kind of stupid)

(She doesn't say go away with words)

(She uses her sword)

(I ended up with less bangs than I had originally)

oOo

Rule #93

Asking Lust where she got her boobs done is not a good idea

(Having sharp pointy nails heading your way is not fun)

oOo

Rule #94

Do not lift Ed up above your head while standing on the roof of Central Command and asking everyone to bow

(Ed was not amused)

(Roy was amused)

(Riza was not amused)

(I sort of dropped Ed off the building)

(For such a little guy, he's sure is heavy with the automail)

(Ed's totally fine)

(A car broke his fall)

(He'll be fine after he gets his casts off)

(The car sadly isn't fine)

(Poor car)

oOo

Rule #95

Do not toss Mustang's paperwork outside the window

(He actually treated me to dinner after)

(Riza made me pick it up)

(Damn wind)

(I had to go all over Central)

oOo

Rule #96

Do not play _Setting Fire To The Rain_ around Mustang

(He **REALLY** doesn't like that song)

(Everyone else thought it was funny)

oOo

Rule #97

Do not play _Barbie Girl_ around Envy

( **WORST FREAKING IDEA EVER!** )

(He won't stop singing it!)

oOo

Rule #98

In accordance to rule #88 , do not call Riza 'Tweety'

(Death Wish)

(I had to dodge some serious bullets)

oOo

Rule #99

Do not give Riza a quiver of arrows and a bow because her last name is Hawkeye

(Let it be known that it is never advised to give Riza projectile weapons)

(She knows how to use them)

oOo

Rule #100

In regards to rule #99 , Riza is not Hawkeye from Avengers

(Roy thought it was funny after I explained)

(Though now he insists he's like Iron Man)

(I told him that Al was Iron Man)

(We're still debating)


	11. Page XI - Ariana

Rule #101

Whoever is responsible for this, **STOP** bringing home stray animals!

(Ed's got like six dogs in his room)

(And there's a hamster family in my new boots)

(And why is there a seal in the bath-tub?)

oOo

Rule #102

Mentioning Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy around certain military people isn't a smart idea

(Both Armstrongs are convinced that Santa is a pedo)

(And the Easter Bunny is a drug lord)

(Let's not even get started on the Tooth Fairy)

oOo

Rule #103

Don't answer questions with yes and no.

"Did you go to work today?"

"Yes and no."

"Did you talk to Bradley?"

"Yes and no."

"Did you set Ed on fire?"

"Yes and no."

(He was asking for it)

(Mustang was more then happy to help)

oOo

Rule #104

If caught doing something bad, telling people that Hohenheim said you could is not allowed.

(Like trying to feed your enemies to Gluttony)

(Or baiting Selim so Pride comes out to play)

(I'm an idiot, okay?)

(I thought we established that like three guidelines ago!)

(Fourth wall break **FTW!** )

oOo

Rule #105

Pelting people with Skittles and yelling " **TASTE THE GODDAMN RAINBOW!** " isn't allowed.

(It's also a waste of perfectly good Skittles)

(And then Selim picked them up off the ground and ate them)

(Ewwww)

oOo

Rule #106

Mentioning Pedobear leads to being locked up for personal safety. **DON'T DO IT**

oOo

Rule #107

Not everyone likes a rugby-tackle-hug

(Like Izumi)

(Sig was not happy when she puked up blood)

(What?)

(I was just super excited to see her!)

oOo

Rule #108

When bored, don't transmute something to a life-sized version of Angry Birds

(I brought a whole new meaning to the phrase 'food fight' one lunchtime)

(Bradley was not impressed)

oOo

Rule #109

Following rule #108 , don't transmute something to resemble a Quidditch pitch

(We had no brooms, so we used alchemy to platform us around the courtyard)

(It got real ugly real fast)

oOo

Rule #110

Don't talk about things you do in video-games as if it's real

(I was telling Ling about Assasin's Creed)

(Al overheard)

(He gets nervous around me now)


End file.
